Dear child, no one in this world loves you more than me!
The essence of education is the self-cultivation of parents.
We need to be aware of ourselves in every bit of life. The deeper we are, the easier the love with our children will flow. Concern is more important than any method.
Of course, the prerequisite for seeing a child is seeing oneself. Parents are the problem for children, and love and freedom are the only answers.
We imagine what the child should be like, and then imagine the way to deal with the child", this is a very terrible view of parenting. So, what is the correct view of parenting?
In fact, what I want to say is: parent-child relationship is more important than education method!
Everyone has heard that "character determines destiny", so what determines character?
From a psychological point of view, the parent-child relationship we encountered in childhood will be internalized into the child's heart and become an internal relationship pattern. This set of internal relationship patterns forms our character and determines our destiny.
The mother-child attachment relationship lays the foundation for the child's life.
The relationship model of childhood has a close correspondence with our current career, love and marriage, and parent-child relationship.
In this way, it seems that life is determinism. In fact, the parent-child relationship determines the starting point of our life.
Children need to be seen
Let's talk about the child's "sense of existence" first. Existence can only occur in the relationship. If the baby smiles at the mother and the mother does not respond, the baby will be stupid. He would think, "Do I exist, do my mother exist, what's wrong with this world?" If the baby's various reactions do not get the mother's response, the baby will live in a feeling that the whole world is fragmented. So, what are the usual responses and what are their consequences?
► Repeat the emotion-related words in the other person’s utterance
For example, if the baby says to you, "Mom, this puppy is so cute!" Then the mother can respond by saying, "Mom sees it, it's so cute!" This is to repeat what he said.
Repeat the emotion expressed by the other party or the emotion you feel, and confirm it, and each other will be happy.
► Irrelevant reaction
For example, a child said, "Mom, I saw a dog just now, it's so cute!" Some mothers would say, "Have you done your homework?"
If the child often gets irrelevant reactions in the initial communication with his mother, then when he grows up, he will feel that communicating with others is a very stupid thing, and he will become indifferent.
Of course, he may also be very smart. When he is autistic in his own world, his thinking is very clear, but he thinks chatting with others is very boring.
Let's talk about the child's "sense of existence" first. Existence can only occur in the relationship. If the baby smiles at the mother and the mother does not respond, the baby will be stupid. He would think, "Do I exist, do my mother exist, what's wrong with this world?" If the baby's various reactions do not get the mother's response, the baby will live in a feeling that the whole world is fragmented. So, what are the usual responses and what are their consequences?
► Repeat the emotion-related words in the other person’s utterance
For example, if the baby says to you, "Mom, this puppy is so cute!" Then the mother can respond by saying, "Mom sees it, it's so cute!" This is to repeat what he said.
Repeat the emotion expressed by the other party or the emotion you feel, and confirm it, and each other will be happy.
► Irrelevant reaction
For example, a child said, "Mom, I saw a dog just now, it's so cute!" Some mothers would say, "Have you done your homework?"
If the child often gets irrelevant reactions in the initial communication with his mother, then when he grows up, he will feel that communicating with others is a very stupid thing, and he will become indifferent.
Of course, he may also be very smart. When he is autistic in his own world, his thinking is very clear, but he thinks chatting with others is very boring.
Analyze children's behavior from a psychological perspective
► The child eats fingers, should I stop it?
First of all, why do children eat fingers? Some studies have found that when the fetus is in the belly, it already starts to eat fingers. The baby feels that he can put his hand up and put it in his mouth. He will be very happy, just like discovering a new world, it is a feat.
Before the child is 1 year old, the tool for exploring the world is his mouth, and he will put everything in his mouth to try. Some parents are very nervous. In fact, their children are very, very careful. They are in full awareness. As long as they are not disturbed, there will be no problem.
As long as we ensure that the surrounding environment is safe and hygienic, we will try our best to allow children to explore freely. What if the child still eats fingers after 1 year old? The answer is still: if you don't act, let him eat.
It may be because the oral period has not been explored enough, and it may be that the lack of breast milk is made up by eating fingers.
Whatever the reason, we can only allow it deeply, not stop it.
Some children act later than others. That is because your children have unique characteristics; don’t correct them into assembly line products. They are the same. All the children’s things need our care, not change.
► How can children avoid danger?
Only when we have experienced it, our intelligence will develop. One thing my dad treats me very well is that my dad rarely educates me by frightening conclusions. When I was a child, I nailed nails and planed wood with him. These seemingly dangerous actions became interesting memories of my childhood.
The child is naturally aware, and he will not hurt himself if he has nothing to do. For example, children love to play with knives, we can go with him to touch the knives, touch it slowly, and slowly reach the critical state of injury, let the children experience this feeling by themselves.
Children who have experienced knives are entangled in ropes when they go out, so he will look for sharp objects similar to knives to cut the ropes. This is intellectual development.
And children who have only learned the conclusion that knives are dangerous have no ability to save themselves. If we only learn some conclusions, our intelligence has not developed, we have developed fear and restriction.
I have seen many children born after 00, who are so high that they dare not go down the stairs. The mother is always anxious. The child feels that it is terrifying to explore the new world, and it feels dangerous to explore new things. The child has learned fear and restriction from elementary school.
Control is tantamount to strangling spiritual life. If you care for him to eat, he feels that eating is painful; if you care for him to study, he feels that studying is painful. I control you, your will no longer exists, what exists is my will. Wherever your desire for control extends, the child will experience endless pain throughout his life.
► Do you want to set rules for children?
Many parents asked me whether I should set rules for their children. At the time, I thought that the law said that the subject of the contract must be equal people with civil capacity to make the contract.
The child is not an independent actor. How can I make a contract with you? How can I set an exchange condition with you to implement it? This is an unreasonable treaty. The meaning of the rules is to maintain the feelings of both parties.
Some mothers asked me that her children can brush their teeth, and she wants her to help brush them together. I asked her how you felt during the process of brushing your teeth with your child. She said that she was very happy. Did I say there is any problem with this?
If a child learns to obey the rules equals uncomfortable, then how can he consciously obey the rules in the future? If this rule makes the child very happy, this is a good result. This is how the rules are generated. The feelings of both people are taken care of. At this time, the rules are equal to comfort. When there is no supervision, he will still be willing to abide by the rules.
► What should I do if my child has bad habits?
Every good child is terrible. They have been doing things according to their parents' rules throughout their lives. They think they are good children and others must love him. When they encounter huge setbacks, no one loves them, and their logic is impacted to collapse, and terrible things will happen.
I have a friend who wants to get divorced. He said that all the things I had in the past were arranged by my parents. I wanted to do something that my parents did not arrange, that is, divorce. In fact, he has no feelings, because he was suppressed too much. long time.
Any control will encounter a rebound, no matter how correct the control is. Behind every stubborn bad habit is the painful cry of lack of love. If your child has some bad habits, you can tell him, "Baby, you are my child no matter what. I know that your life has its own development rules. I have no ability to understand, but I can accompany and see. "
What kind of love should parents give their children?
Every soul born into the world has a mission. This mission does not require any supervision. It only needs love and freedom, and he will naturally experience it. What kind of love should parents give their children?
Only the child knows what is best for him.
How many of us live in anxiety because reality is different from what we imagined. Why do you want to trust, because everyone has a look at this fable, in the dry season, the small tree curled up its leaves for self-preservation. Gardener A sees the appearance and understands the essence and replenishes water in time; Gardener B doesn't care about anything, and the little tree survives until the rainy season.
Gardener C has learned a lot and thinks that the extension of leaves is healthy and correct, so he spared no effort to break the leaves one by one-the result can be imagined. We don’t know how to educate, we don’t need to be psychologists to have children, but we have to maintain a humble heart, that is, you never know better than a child what is best for him.
The essence of education is the self-cultivation of parents. How deeply we experience our own awareness, we will be more humble. The prerequisite for seeing a child is seeing oneself. The best education for children is not to educate them. If you teach them all the cognition, the children should not surpass you.